Back to school. Pt 2.

2 of 2 [continued from Part 1]

Now you know the background. You see that throughout my life I have changed my mind a lot on what I wanted to do. i went from wanting to work in construction to then working in a hospital with dreams of being a Nurse.

Then YWAM happened and God grabbed my heart for His plan.

So now I am hear writing from a library in Vancouver City, Canada.

Nearly two years since I last had a job.
Over three years since I have been to school.

I title this Blog "Back to school" because I am realising more and more since leaving school that I am going back to school. every day.

Let me try to unpack what is going on in my web of wild thoughts.
I have had a lot of people other the last year give me words that "you will achieve big things" or that "God has big things for you" and this excites me. a lot. It also causes me to be restless. Because sometimes I don't see big things. That "sometimes" is now. I have prayed a lot on God's calling on my life. Throughout DTS and while in India I realised I had a heart to see missionaries looked after. I felt that maybe that looked something like apostle Paul. I also had words spoken over me as an encourager, like Barnabas (Paul mentions him in some of his epistles). Then after that I felt called to learn more about Discipleship Training so I stayed with YWAM to learn by doing. This time was very straining and I had little time to myself and to develop myself I felt. It was all GO and just trying to keep up. I know God was there and He used me but I felt like I had neglected what I had learnt in my DTS. When I returned from leading an outreach team to Vancouver, as part of that DTS, I went to Berlin where I spent a month serving in that city but also just to take time away to pray. There I felt my hearts desires confirmed and that God was calling me to Bible college where I would study theology and then enter into a church pastoring role, focusing on missions. Some people would call it a "Missions Pastor", this is the role that I see most similar to my calling. But I also felt Him calling me back to Vancouver first for a time.


I still feel very much that I am called to be a "Missions Pastor" working within the local church, maybe even church planting and creating and establishing a network of churches around the world, supporting and learning with and from each other. Looking similar to YWAM but with more of a church foundation and base. This may only mean little things to each of you, but I hope there are enough pieces to work out the whole picture..? I have described it as I want to be in a position where Joe Blogs can come to me and say "I have a heart for the orphans in India" and I can say "Ok Joe, lets go!" and then with links already established, or going with new eyes, to go with Joe to India and help him pursue his hearts desire with the support of a church and with me behind him. Encouraging him in his God given calling. Make sense? maybe...


So back to now. Now I feel is a time that I am still learning, still at "school". I have sometimes been frustrated that I am not seeing anything change. Not doing anything. It is making me restless. I know what I am heading towards. But I am here. It has taken a lot of listening to God and a lot of me sulking like a child. But I am now feeling that I am in the place of be content. I am here. God called me here and put me here. I am here to grow. To learn. To be at school.


I know that I have issues in my life, in my personality, in my closet that I need to deal with. I am dealing with them. But they aren't dealt with. I know that God is purifying me. Zechariah 13:9 says:

And I will put _them_ into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, 'They are my people'; and they will say, 'The LORD is my God.'" [ESV]

This is where I feel I am...

It hurts.
Fire hurts.
Testing hurts.


But I am calling on His name and He is telling me over and over that He is my God.


I will be stronger. I will be able to achieve the big things I know God has for me. I will be able to pastor and look after people. God loves me just as I am. But He loves me too much to leave me like that. I know with all my heart that I will see big things. I will be a part of big things and they will all point to God and then I will be gone, as the morning mist, but God will have been glorified in my life and God's Kingdom will continue to be established on earth.


For now I allow Him to purify me, to put me into the fire.


It hurts.

But He is worth it.